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A confusing life…

Have you ever felt like pressing the pause button on the nonsense in your life? Like, can a girl catch a break from the nonsense and just live a little. I am going through a very confusing phase, one minute I am happy with where I am at in my life and the next moment, I am feeling suffocated by the incessant attention, opinions, noise…I need a break from my life but I also want to be here because the good moments are really good. I spent a weekend in Sandton a few days ago, an unexpected all-expenses-paid trip for your girl. Life is good over there with the rich and famous, but it was too short. It was a hybrid event, with some people joining the session online but I was there in person.

I shared about my doctoral journey

The highlight was the presentation I gave which was the main reason for the trip and of course seeing my niece, family and friends in Johannesburg. The trip was way too short. Opportunities like these make me want to be me a little bit more everyday, minus the nonsense that life throws at every turn.

I don’t want people around me most of the time. I am at my happiest when I am alone with my thoughts. Lately, I have not had much time to myself. Wait, that is a lie…I spend most of my days alone in my work office. But I want to be alone at home too because that is when I am at my most vulnerable and I just want to be left alone. I want to live alone so bad I am willing to sell a kidney for it…(I exaggerate, but that’s just to show you how desperate for it I really am). I am supposed to be moving to a new apartment at the end of the month, fingers crossed I can find my own little space in this big town.

I want to be in a relationship so bad but I also want to be alone so bad. Talk about a paradox. The moment I enter the relationship, I feel like leaving again because people generally suck. I am very cynical about romantic relationships, call me jaded or whatever. I have seen enough sinking ships to know better, but a part of me craves that companionship. Men come with baggage and patriarchal nonsense (the ones I have met). Imagine in this day and age, a whole 35-year-old woman is told she cannot be “too friendly” with the opposite sex because it makes her boyfriend feel some type of way. Well, that sounds like a problem for the boyfriend, not the woman.

“If I want commitment I need to let go of my male friends”-

Mister, how about you keep your commitment that comes with conditions because right now you just sound like a control freak. Sigh, it is tiring. I have always said that marriage is not an achievement, I don’t understand why some men have to dangle it like a golden carrot.

Don’t even get me started on family life. I just need a new family, LOL.

How are things where you are? Hope less confusing.

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