Now I fully understand why I was so upset with him for leaving. Everytime the thought of him cropped up in my head I would just feel my mind rejecting it and my feelings refusing to be saddened by it. He didn’t even deserve my anger or any feeling. I wanted to be indifferent.
His crime: he just could not love me at my worst. I actually know that this also means he didn’t love me at all, which is probably true because he could never bring himself to lie to me by uttering those three little words I love you. He never said it because he never loved me.
Okay now that we have acknowledged and laid that to rest, I can tell the rest of the story. This man met me at a not so great point in my life. In hindsight I was not even supposed to be dating anyone considering my state but I needed someone to heal me (bad idea). Unfortunately for him, he walked into the mess that was my life and I guess he assumed that was my usual state and his little heart could not bear it. I remember I was depressed most of the time because of what was going on in my life at that time, and everytime I would try to share what was weighing me down, he would ask me “why are you always moaning?”Sharing my problems with my man is moaning? This response never failed to shut me up and make me retreat into my shell.
I received zero support from this man who claimed to be my boyfriend. He just couldn’t be bothered by what he didn’t know was only a temporary setback. He judged my situation as permanent and guess what, he bolted. I wasn’t surprised when he did because the signs were already there. I am just surprised it took him months of pretending to care. To be fair to him, I probably wasn’t a good girlfriend anyway. I was so caught up in my own mess.
Months later, I realised that he didn’t want that version of me. The idea of an imperfect me was not palatable for him and he chose not to stick around. I wouldn’t describe myself as someone with low self-esteem, but if you entangle yourself with someone who does not love you, while you’re at your lowest, it will break you even further. I think everyone of us would attest to wanting a love that sticks especially through the tough times. As we celebrate Valentines day, this may be something worth reflecting on.
I thank this runner for leaving my life because he created room for God’s best. I’m glad I didn’t hold on to him or chase after him. I know I deserve a man who will love me at my worst. Life will always have hills and valleys and you need someone who will be resilient during the bad times and your cheerleader during the good times. We cannot only want people when things are going well.
Happy Valentines 🤍